and now a page from my journal....

i would consider myself a private person. those who are close to me know that it took me months, even years to trust them. trust is hard for me, it is even harder to lay out my heart before people and watch their reaction. vulnerable is not an easy place to be in, but here it goes...

with my whole heart i want nothing more than to serve my God. He has called me to serve Him and i have answered that call. i don't know where He will lead me, but i know that i will follow. He has never let me down or disappointed me, He reminds me daily of His love for me. He's my everything.

He's given me a dream. a dream of opening a home where children can come and be shown love and not live in fear. a place that will keep them warm and fed and clothed, and most important of all a place that will lead them to Him. this is the huge dream, the one i will spend my life working toward. i know it won't happen right away, but someday, whenever that may be.

He's laid a few places heavily on my heart, and i don't know how, when, or for how long, but in some capacity i will serve there.

i've been recently looking at areas to start out at. places that i can go and serve after i graduate, for a year or so, and then decide if more schooling is in the future, or if i will continue on in ministry. i currently have a list of eight places hanging above my desk that i am praying through, however, last week i was struck with the reality that with my diabetes, almost all of those possibilities cannot even be possibilities. these places cater to the least of these, and for that, there is no refrigeration or access to medical attention if the need arose.

at this point, i can see one of my best friends laughing and saying "welp, guess you just can't go because you are a walking disaster and hurt yourself way too easily." but when has that ever stopped me?

i'm not a person who likes to pray for myself. there are other people with way bigger problems than mine, and i am healthy and at peace with the life that God has given me. the fact that my body is lacking keeps me humble and has shown me what its like to have to give everything over to God because i cannot take care of myself. up until this moment in my life, i have accepted this as part of the life that i am to live, because up until this point in my life it has not hindered me from following my call.

so i have been struggling for the past few weeks over whether it is okay that i ask for Him to heal me or not. i felt that it would be selfish, i was scared, and i just didn't know if it was fair. i have lived 16 years with this disease, and i don't regret any of it. in fact, for that reason i was willing to pray fervently for the healing of others, but never for myself. i don't say this to in any way make myself look good, i am just using it to explain my reasoning behind my view. as i struggled, more and more, i was reminded of God's love for us, and how He wants what is best for us. He has given my life a purpose, a call, and an amazing story of His redemption to share with the world. a very good friend pointed out that my reasons, although good, were not necessarily from God. this disease has become an obstacle, something that is getting in the way of the life that God is leading me to live. for this reason, it was time to change my view.

matthew 7:7 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." so, for the first time in my life last night, i asked God to heal me. not out of selfishness, because i am perfectly willing to continue on if that is His will, but so that more might come to know Him through me. i believe that our God is a God if healing. i believe in miracles, and i believe that He can touch my body and make me well if that is in His will.

i am asking that you would pray with me and that God would continue to work out His plan for my life and continue to open doors. i am willing to go on as i am, but i am also ready to be healed. there is a prayer by Charles De Foucald that i think is a fitting way to end this, it says:
" Father, i abandon myself into Your hands; do with me what You will. whatever you may do, i thank You; i am ready for all, i accept all. let only Your will be done in me, and in all Your creatures-i wish no more than this, o Lord."