Esperando...

"I laid it down in silence,
This work of mine,
And took what had been sent me-
a resting time.
The Master's voice had called me
To rest apart;
"Apart with Jesus only,"
Echoed my heart.

I took the rest and stillness
From His own hand,
And felt this present illness
Was what He planned.
How often we choose labor,
When He says "Rest"-
Our ways are blind and crooked;
His way is best.

Work He Himself has given,
He will complete.
There may be other errands
For tired feet;
There may be other duties
For tired hands;
The present, is obedience
To His commands.

There is a blessed resting
In lying still,
In letting His hand mold us,
Just as He will.
His work must be completed.
His lesson set;
He is the Master Workman:
Do not forget!


It is not only "working."
We must be trained;
And Jesus "learned" obedience,
Through His suffering gained.
For us, His yoke is easy,
His burden light.
His discipline most needful,
And all is right.

We are to be His servants;
We never choose
If this tool or if that one
Our hands will use.
In working or in waiting
May we fulfill
Not ours at all, but only
The Master's will!"


I went home for spring break this year. It wasn't the original plan, but ended up being the best plan for me. One of the Sundays that I was there, a friend of the family came up and asked me the dreaded question. Most, if not all of you can guess what it was. It wasn't the despised question of "So when are you getting engaged?" (people quit asking me that after growling became my response). No, it was the future one. "So, Emily, what are you doing after graduation?" I didn't know what to say.


Its not that there isn't anything that I want to do, because there are a ton of things that I would love to fill my life doing. This time, it was because I truly don't know what the next step in life is for me.


I had a plan once. It was a good plan, I would even say a great plan. It would have been a dream come true, but that wasn't God's plan for me. Growing up, I'd heard the saying, "if you wanna make God laugh, tell Him your plans." I never truly understood the meaning of this, until I gave Him a knee-slapping doosey of a plan. I learned then the meaning of in His timing.


So now, with a month left of my college career, I have no plan. In one sense it is exciting, because anything could happen, but in another, it is terrifying because anything could happen. Since I have no plan to prepare myself for, I have devoted myself to stopping and listening and really praying through these next few days, weeks, months, and even years. I am confident that doors will open, in His timing. I trust that when they do, they will be the perfect option for me. I have believed for a long time that God has a plan for my life and I am not about to let go of that belief.


I love Spanish. I especially love the Spanish verb "to wait." In Spanish, to wait is translated as "esperar." To wait is not the only thing that this verb means. It also means "to hope." I love that! Please understand me when I say that I am waiting on God for direction in my life, but I am also holding onto hope in Him. Hope reminds me that I am not alone, and that things will work out, even when I feel overwhelmed or scared. Hope has always gotten me through the hard things in my life and it will help me in this situation as well.


I started this post off with a poem, and to tie it all back around to the poem I will say this; at this point in time God is asking me to rest in Him and know that He will open and shut doors as needed in my life. I need not fear that His work isn't going to get done if I am not out there doing it, because He will accomplish it with or without me. Right now, He is simply asking that I wait, and when the time is right and I will be useful to Him, He will call me out of this period of rest and into action. So, Mr. "I've gotta ask you the dreaded question," there is your answer. For now, I don't know what I will do after I graduate. I don't even know what I will do tomorrow, if I'm being completely honest. I do know however, that I will be trusting in my Jesus and hoping in Him to direct my journey from here on into the rest of my life.

thoughts from the porch while shelling beans...

there are two passages of scripture that i have been going to quite often recently. i want to talk about one of them tonight....


i sat on my porch earlier, by myself, with no noise other than the cars passing on the street in front of me and the wind whistling through the naked branches of the tree in my front yard, shelling dried beans from straw-like husks, throwing the husks away and putting the beans into bags so that they can be added to soups or what have you in the coming months. this is not a job that i particularly enjoy. tonight i feel like it had more to do with the fact that i was left alone with my thoughts, which of late, have been rather interesting and soul-revealing in nature. i wished several times for my mp3 player, but i knew that it was no use since it was in my desk drawer an hour and forty five minutes away.


i did not want to be sitting there, shelling beans. the husks are rough on my hands and make my fingers sore. i did not want to sit in silence. but the longer i sat there, even long enough that i got to see the sunset and have both legs fall asleep, making it very hard to get up afterword, the more i began to enjoy it. not only was the view perfect and the weather beautiful, i was struck by my reasons behind doing this. it was a labor of love.


my mom has not been feeling the greatest recently, and so i spent the weekend at home, helping her clean and get things ready for winter. when she asked me to shell the beans, i agreed, knowing that she doesn't have time to do this normally.


i've learned a lot about love these past few months, and even this last year in general. the passage that i mentioned earlier, that i run to every time i need a reminder of how i am loved, and how i should love others, is 1 corinthians 13. if any of you are like me at this point, you're probably groaning like i used to every time i heard this verse this past summer at countless weddings. however, i think that this chapter is more fitting to everyday life than just to weddings. the more i read it the more i find instructions to live by. it says:

" If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Prophecy and speaking in unknown language an special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love."

i really like the part that says love never gives up or loses faith, it is hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. hope has meant huge things for me in my life. i would not have that hope that i cling to today without the love of my Savior, Jesus. i am so thankful that He loves me, with a love that is even greater than this verse describes!

so, in essence, this is the list that came to mind as i sat shelling beans about what love is and looks like currently in my life:

1. love means being there for someone when they have possibly the most stressful day of their life

2.love means accepting imperfections

3. love means being patient, and waiting on those you love to figure things out, even if its the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life

4. love means missing people

5. love is doing random acts of kindness even though you have 50,000 other things on your plate

6. love means praying as hard as you've ever prayed in your life for God's direction in the lives of those you care for

7. love means bearing the burdens of those around you

8. love means protecting those you love if need be

9. love means forgiving

10. love means driving crazy distances simply to make someones day

and lastly, 11. love just means doing whatever you can to demonstrate to those around you, in any way possible, that they are precious to you and mean more than they could ever imagine, and that you would not be the same without them in your life.

i had a conversation with a little girl that i babysat one day this summer about love. she asked me if i loved anyone and i told her yes, lots of people. she scrunched up her nose at me and said "you kiss lots of people! that's gross!" i laughingly told her that love meant more than just kissing people. she told me "nuh uh" because bobby down the street said that love means kissing and since he's 9 he knows what he's talking about.

the more i fall in love with Jesus, the more i love others. not in a kissy way, because being honest, there's 1 person in my life i'd be okay with that kind of love, but in a way that you can demonstrate through your actions even a portion of the love that Christ has given you. Mother Teresa said it simply, but in a very profound way. she said, "spread love everywhere you go. let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."

so let us go forward, sharing the love that has been so freely given, never doubting that we are loved, remembering the wisdom of 1 corinthians 13, and continuing on in our labors of love as an outpouring of our thanks to the One who loves us more than we could ever imagine.

and now a page from my journal....

i would consider myself a private person. those who are close to me know that it took me months, even years to trust them. trust is hard for me, it is even harder to lay out my heart before people and watch their reaction. vulnerable is not an easy place to be in, but here it goes...

with my whole heart i want nothing more than to serve my God. He has called me to serve Him and i have answered that call. i don't know where He will lead me, but i know that i will follow. He has never let me down or disappointed me, He reminds me daily of His love for me. He's my everything.

He's given me a dream. a dream of opening a home where children can come and be shown love and not live in fear. a place that will keep them warm and fed and clothed, and most important of all a place that will lead them to Him. this is the huge dream, the one i will spend my life working toward. i know it won't happen right away, but someday, whenever that may be.

He's laid a few places heavily on my heart, and i don't know how, when, or for how long, but in some capacity i will serve there.

i've been recently looking at areas to start out at. places that i can go and serve after i graduate, for a year or so, and then decide if more schooling is in the future, or if i will continue on in ministry. i currently have a list of eight places hanging above my desk that i am praying through, however, last week i was struck with the reality that with my diabetes, almost all of those possibilities cannot even be possibilities. these places cater to the least of these, and for that, there is no refrigeration or access to medical attention if the need arose.

at this point, i can see one of my best friends laughing and saying "welp, guess you just can't go because you are a walking disaster and hurt yourself way too easily." but when has that ever stopped me?

i'm not a person who likes to pray for myself. there are other people with way bigger problems than mine, and i am healthy and at peace with the life that God has given me. the fact that my body is lacking keeps me humble and has shown me what its like to have to give everything over to God because i cannot take care of myself. up until this moment in my life, i have accepted this as part of the life that i am to live, because up until this point in my life it has not hindered me from following my call.

so i have been struggling for the past few weeks over whether it is okay that i ask for Him to heal me or not. i felt that it would be selfish, i was scared, and i just didn't know if it was fair. i have lived 16 years with this disease, and i don't regret any of it. in fact, for that reason i was willing to pray fervently for the healing of others, but never for myself. i don't say this to in any way make myself look good, i am just using it to explain my reasoning behind my view. as i struggled, more and more, i was reminded of God's love for us, and how He wants what is best for us. He has given my life a purpose, a call, and an amazing story of His redemption to share with the world. a very good friend pointed out that my reasons, although good, were not necessarily from God. this disease has become an obstacle, something that is getting in the way of the life that God is leading me to live. for this reason, it was time to change my view.

matthew 7:7 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." so, for the first time in my life last night, i asked God to heal me. not out of selfishness, because i am perfectly willing to continue on if that is His will, but so that more might come to know Him through me. i believe that our God is a God if healing. i believe in miracles, and i believe that He can touch my body and make me well if that is in His will.

i am asking that you would pray with me and that God would continue to work out His plan for my life and continue to open doors. i am willing to go on as i am, but i am also ready to be healed. there is a prayer by Charles De Foucald that i think is a fitting way to end this, it says:
" Father, i abandon myself into Your hands; do with me what You will. whatever you may do, i thank You; i am ready for all, i accept all. let only Your will be done in me, and in all Your creatures-i wish no more than this, o Lord."

the honest cries of a broken heart are better than a hallelujah sometimes...

after almost 3 months of thinking this post over, i think it is time to finally write it and come to grips with the lessons involved...
i have experienced God this past year in ways i never would have believed possible. faith that began as small as a mustard seed has bloomed and grown with His tender love and mercy to me. He's shown Himself to me in beautiful sunsets, rainy days, amidst my doubts,in the realization of dreams, the facing of fears, in quiet whispered words to my soul, and in periods of silence, in joy and pain, in relationships, in family, in the failure of plans and the making of plans b,c,d,e,and f, in dreams, in gentle hugs, in tearful goodbyes, in lonely hours, in crowded city streets, in classrooms, or simply sitting beside the Guadalquivir. i am, and forever will be, so thankful for each of these times and the memories they bring.
there has been a lot of loss this year. yet He has remained beside me. a verse that has really stood out to me comes from Matthew 5:3-5. it says, " 3"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." these words fit into my life perfectly recently. i have been the poor in spirit, the one mourning, and the one who gets walked all over. yet through all of it, i have not forgotten the fact that i am so blessed! i have so many reasons to give thanks!
in being stripped of the things that i hold dearest, i have learned to really rely on Him. its not been easy, but it is worth it. God had to break me to the point where i had no one to trust but Him. i had to be willing to give Him everything. there were times i fought, because i couldn't see what He would know about such things as love and being strong for those that depend on me, but in reality i was selling Him short. He's the author and creator of love, and He is stronger than i could ever hope to be. i just need to lose my stubborn pride and learn to give things over to Him. i had to be willing to let go of the little that i had in order to gain something even more beautiful. i had to learn to entrust everything to Him.
i am stubborn. its genetic for whiteds...and letting go was not easy. the song sweetly broken perfectly describes what i had to go through. He had to gently bring me to my knees, and i was at a complete loss, but willing to wholly surrender to His promise.
i often wonder at His timing. i can look back on my life and see how He has orchestrated events in my life to bring me to today. its incredible to even think about! i struggle at times with the things He has revealed to me, but only to me, when other people are involved...people who have to find their own way to these revelations. waiting is not easy, but more and more i am learning to treasure these periods of waiting, especially in light of the wonderful things to come! how much sweeter the reward when it was not an easy win.
going into these next few months, there is some fear. surgery, tumors, huge moves, lack of money, and uncertainty loom in front of me. it would be easy to say that i am confident things will all turn out peachy, but that would not be truthful. i'm taking it one day at a time, trusting God to show me the next step, and following where He leads...the next step for tomorrow is to contact the surgeon who will be removing the tumor from my collar bone...as terrified as i am i have a peace, a crazy peace, and i know that it will be okay.

from a different perspective

i have been meaning to sit down and write this post for awhile now, but over the past month God has given me so many more things to add to this that i figured i would wait until after Semana Santa. So here it is por fin!


my prayer since the beginning of the trip has been that God would open my eyes and show me the Spain that He sees, that He would break my heart for the things that break His. An awesome thing about our God is that He loves to answer prayers. He has shown me exactly what i asked. It has stretched me beyond my limits at times and sent me running to Him with questions on more than one occasion, but it has also brought about growth in my life.


one of the first experiences of Him showing Spain from His eyes is just living in this culture. it is very closed off. people do not relate on personal levels until after knowing each other for years, and even then it is unlikely that you will ever talk about anything more than sports or gossip. personal problems are pushed aside, appearance is what matters most.
appearance is everything to the people of Spain. Cultural catholicism is the norm. dress defines who you are to those around you. it was hard and still is hard to get used to the culture of "if you´ve got it, flaunt it". girls walk around on the street in skin tight everything, they are pressured to be thin, they wear make-up from the time they are in grade school. they lost their innocence early on and struggle with effects of it constantly.


kids easily fall into the botellon culture. they hang out in groups and get drunk just to fit in. those that chose to stand apart are looked at as abnormal. there is such a small population of christian youth, and those that are constantly fight to remain and not give in to the cultural norms.
working in the ropero, a ministry that gives out clothes to those that need them, i have had to face every type of poverty. they ar ehungry and thristy and most believe that material things will save them. women come every week looking for clothes and food for their children. the children are dirty and in need of love. my heart breaks to see their tears, but overflows with joy to see the beautiful smiles after they have been helped. the women that work with me at Ropero are constantly joking and keeping the mood light, they don´t mind the dirt or smell of unwashed bodies, they just share the love of Christ with them in any way possible. this has challenged me more than anything. it is hard to not grow tired and discouraged with all the need that surrounds me, but i know that there is hope for these people!


the hardest thing that hit me, was seeing a family of six living out of a van. the van is blue and always parked by the river, we always joked that bad things went on in that van since it looks like the typical hippie hang out. i got a huge shock while walking to church one sunday and seeing a son helping his father was his hands and face from a bottle of water while the son´s wife and kids sat and watched the whole process waiting on their turn. this is the picture of Spain that best fits for me.


there are people that are hungry and dirty and waiting on their turn to be clean. God is like the son, in a way, He patiently helps us wash the dirt and sin off of our bodies and then turns to the next one of us and begins the process again. the people of Spain are hurting. the economy is bad, many are hungry and homeless and need the hope that He offers. it won´t be easy, but He is a God who likes to break down walls to get us to the place where we need to be.


He is the God of this city and the God of this country. He will bring these people to His side and love them with the everlasting love of a father. there is so much work to be done here! at times it is overwhelming, but i continue to trust His guidance. He has opened doors for me to get to know and get involved with various ministries here and to see the things that He is doing. He has put people in here that have wonderful hearts that are reaching many. I know that He will see this through to the end, He that began a good work will be faithful to complete it!

now for some pictures....

i realize that i haven't put up any cool pictures on my blog since arriving in spain. most of this is due to the fact that my computer decided to not work while i am over here, so cody in his generousness has let me use his. therefore, today i will upload pictures so that you all can see this beautiful place that i am living in!

past, present, and future...and the in between

so i have been thinking a lot lately about all the times of our lives. mostly in relation to the fact that i am giving my testimony tonight at encuentro, our bible study here in spain. so here are some thoughts on each of these...

the past

although hard to think about and impossible to relive, the past has a very important place in my life. it shows me how far i have come. it enables me to look back and see the movement of God in my life. i can look back at all the hard times and see the good that has come from them. there are no regrets, simply lessons learned. it has helped shape me into who i am today.

the present

i feel that this is the best place to be. living my life for God day by day. listening for His direction on where to go from here. my present, at this moment, is getting to live my dream here in spain. it is learning how to give up myself at every second and live my life to serve others. it is learning how to be a girlfriend to cody and a friend to those on the trip with me. it is learning that earthly plans don´t always go the right way and leaning on God when i miss family and friends.

the future

i think the future is the least scarey of all of these. i am excited for it! doors are opening to serve, and i look forward to fulfilling my calling in this life! last but not least, in these difficult times especially, i look forward to heaven! it won´t be long until i get to see the lover of my soul face to face! it won´t be long until i can walk beside Him and stand in awe and thank Him for all that He has done for me. i don´t think that there is anything in this world that can compare to the hope that lies in Jesus!

that is the best part about our God. He has been through the past, present, future, and all the times before and in between and after. He has such a plan for each and every one of us! there is nothing else that i need to know to be happy!