after almost 3 months of thinking this post over, i think it is time to finally write it and come to grips with the lessons involved...
i have experienced God this past year in ways i never would have believed possible. faith that began as small as a mustard seed has bloomed and grown with His tender love and mercy to me. He's shown Himself to me in beautiful sunsets, rainy days, amidst my doubts,in the realization of dreams, the facing of fears, in quiet whispered words to my soul, and in periods of silence, in joy and pain, in relationships, in family, in the failure of plans and the making of plans b,c,d,e,and f, in dreams, in gentle hugs, in tearful goodbyes, in lonely hours, in crowded city streets, in classrooms, or simply sitting beside the Guadalquivir. i am, and forever will be, so thankful for each of these times and the memories they bring.
there has been a lot of loss this year. yet He has remained beside me. a verse that has really stood out to me comes from Matthew 5:3-5. it says, " 3"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." these words fit into my life perfectly recently. i have been the poor in spirit, the one mourning, and the one who gets walked all over. yet through all of it, i have not forgotten the fact that i am so blessed! i have so many reasons to give thanks!
in being stripped of the things that i hold dearest, i have learned to really rely on Him. its not been easy, but it is worth it. God had to break me to the point where i had no one to trust but Him. i had to be willing to give Him everything. there were times i fought, because i couldn't see what He would know about such things as love and being strong for those that depend on me, but in reality i was selling Him short. He's the author and creator of love, and He is stronger than i could ever hope to be. i just need to lose my stubborn pride and learn to give things over to Him. i had to be willing to let go of the little that i had in order to gain something even more beautiful. i had to learn to entrust everything to Him.
i am stubborn. its genetic for whiteds...and letting go was not easy. the song sweetly broken perfectly describes what i had to go through. He had to gently bring me to my knees, and i was at a complete loss, but willing to wholly surrender to His promise.
i often wonder at His timing. i can look back on my life and see how He has orchestrated events in my life to bring me to today. its incredible to even think about! i struggle at times with the things He has revealed to me, but only to me, when other people are involved...people who have to find their own way to these revelations. waiting is not easy, but more and more i am learning to treasure these periods of waiting, especially in light of the wonderful things to come! how much sweeter the reward when it was not an easy win.
going into these next few months, there is some fear. surgery, tumors, huge moves, lack of money, and uncertainty loom in front of me. it would be easy to say that i am confident things will all turn out peachy, but that would not be truthful. i'm taking it one day at a time, trusting God to show me the next step, and following where He leads...the next step for tomorrow is to contact the surgeon who will be removing the tumor from my collar bone...as terrified as i am i have a peace, a crazy peace, and i know that it will be okay.
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