thoughts from the porch while shelling beans...

there are two passages of scripture that i have been going to quite often recently. i want to talk about one of them tonight....


i sat on my porch earlier, by myself, with no noise other than the cars passing on the street in front of me and the wind whistling through the naked branches of the tree in my front yard, shelling dried beans from straw-like husks, throwing the husks away and putting the beans into bags so that they can be added to soups or what have you in the coming months. this is not a job that i particularly enjoy. tonight i feel like it had more to do with the fact that i was left alone with my thoughts, which of late, have been rather interesting and soul-revealing in nature. i wished several times for my mp3 player, but i knew that it was no use since it was in my desk drawer an hour and forty five minutes away.


i did not want to be sitting there, shelling beans. the husks are rough on my hands and make my fingers sore. i did not want to sit in silence. but the longer i sat there, even long enough that i got to see the sunset and have both legs fall asleep, making it very hard to get up afterword, the more i began to enjoy it. not only was the view perfect and the weather beautiful, i was struck by my reasons behind doing this. it was a labor of love.


my mom has not been feeling the greatest recently, and so i spent the weekend at home, helping her clean and get things ready for winter. when she asked me to shell the beans, i agreed, knowing that she doesn't have time to do this normally.


i've learned a lot about love these past few months, and even this last year in general. the passage that i mentioned earlier, that i run to every time i need a reminder of how i am loved, and how i should love others, is 1 corinthians 13. if any of you are like me at this point, you're probably groaning like i used to every time i heard this verse this past summer at countless weddings. however, i think that this chapter is more fitting to everyday life than just to weddings. the more i read it the more i find instructions to live by. it says:

" If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Prophecy and speaking in unknown language an special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love."

i really like the part that says love never gives up or loses faith, it is hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. hope has meant huge things for me in my life. i would not have that hope that i cling to today without the love of my Savior, Jesus. i am so thankful that He loves me, with a love that is even greater than this verse describes!

so, in essence, this is the list that came to mind as i sat shelling beans about what love is and looks like currently in my life:

1. love means being there for someone when they have possibly the most stressful day of their life

2.love means accepting imperfections

3. love means being patient, and waiting on those you love to figure things out, even if its the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life

4. love means missing people

5. love is doing random acts of kindness even though you have 50,000 other things on your plate

6. love means praying as hard as you've ever prayed in your life for God's direction in the lives of those you care for

7. love means bearing the burdens of those around you

8. love means protecting those you love if need be

9. love means forgiving

10. love means driving crazy distances simply to make someones day

and lastly, 11. love just means doing whatever you can to demonstrate to those around you, in any way possible, that they are precious to you and mean more than they could ever imagine, and that you would not be the same without them in your life.

i had a conversation with a little girl that i babysat one day this summer about love. she asked me if i loved anyone and i told her yes, lots of people. she scrunched up her nose at me and said "you kiss lots of people! that's gross!" i laughingly told her that love meant more than just kissing people. she told me "nuh uh" because bobby down the street said that love means kissing and since he's 9 he knows what he's talking about.

the more i fall in love with Jesus, the more i love others. not in a kissy way, because being honest, there's 1 person in my life i'd be okay with that kind of love, but in a way that you can demonstrate through your actions even a portion of the love that Christ has given you. Mother Teresa said it simply, but in a very profound way. she said, "spread love everywhere you go. let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."

so let us go forward, sharing the love that has been so freely given, never doubting that we are loved, remembering the wisdom of 1 corinthians 13, and continuing on in our labors of love as an outpouring of our thanks to the One who loves us more than we could ever imagine.

and now a page from my journal....

i would consider myself a private person. those who are close to me know that it took me months, even years to trust them. trust is hard for me, it is even harder to lay out my heart before people and watch their reaction. vulnerable is not an easy place to be in, but here it goes...

with my whole heart i want nothing more than to serve my God. He has called me to serve Him and i have answered that call. i don't know where He will lead me, but i know that i will follow. He has never let me down or disappointed me, He reminds me daily of His love for me. He's my everything.

He's given me a dream. a dream of opening a home where children can come and be shown love and not live in fear. a place that will keep them warm and fed and clothed, and most important of all a place that will lead them to Him. this is the huge dream, the one i will spend my life working toward. i know it won't happen right away, but someday, whenever that may be.

He's laid a few places heavily on my heart, and i don't know how, when, or for how long, but in some capacity i will serve there.

i've been recently looking at areas to start out at. places that i can go and serve after i graduate, for a year or so, and then decide if more schooling is in the future, or if i will continue on in ministry. i currently have a list of eight places hanging above my desk that i am praying through, however, last week i was struck with the reality that with my diabetes, almost all of those possibilities cannot even be possibilities. these places cater to the least of these, and for that, there is no refrigeration or access to medical attention if the need arose.

at this point, i can see one of my best friends laughing and saying "welp, guess you just can't go because you are a walking disaster and hurt yourself way too easily." but when has that ever stopped me?

i'm not a person who likes to pray for myself. there are other people with way bigger problems than mine, and i am healthy and at peace with the life that God has given me. the fact that my body is lacking keeps me humble and has shown me what its like to have to give everything over to God because i cannot take care of myself. up until this moment in my life, i have accepted this as part of the life that i am to live, because up until this point in my life it has not hindered me from following my call.

so i have been struggling for the past few weeks over whether it is okay that i ask for Him to heal me or not. i felt that it would be selfish, i was scared, and i just didn't know if it was fair. i have lived 16 years with this disease, and i don't regret any of it. in fact, for that reason i was willing to pray fervently for the healing of others, but never for myself. i don't say this to in any way make myself look good, i am just using it to explain my reasoning behind my view. as i struggled, more and more, i was reminded of God's love for us, and how He wants what is best for us. He has given my life a purpose, a call, and an amazing story of His redemption to share with the world. a very good friend pointed out that my reasons, although good, were not necessarily from God. this disease has become an obstacle, something that is getting in the way of the life that God is leading me to live. for this reason, it was time to change my view.

matthew 7:7 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." so, for the first time in my life last night, i asked God to heal me. not out of selfishness, because i am perfectly willing to continue on if that is His will, but so that more might come to know Him through me. i believe that our God is a God if healing. i believe in miracles, and i believe that He can touch my body and make me well if that is in His will.

i am asking that you would pray with me and that God would continue to work out His plan for my life and continue to open doors. i am willing to go on as i am, but i am also ready to be healed. there is a prayer by Charles De Foucald that i think is a fitting way to end this, it says:
" Father, i abandon myself into Your hands; do with me what You will. whatever you may do, i thank You; i am ready for all, i accept all. let only Your will be done in me, and in all Your creatures-i wish no more than this, o Lord."

the honest cries of a broken heart are better than a hallelujah sometimes...

after almost 3 months of thinking this post over, i think it is time to finally write it and come to grips with the lessons involved...
i have experienced God this past year in ways i never would have believed possible. faith that began as small as a mustard seed has bloomed and grown with His tender love and mercy to me. He's shown Himself to me in beautiful sunsets, rainy days, amidst my doubts,in the realization of dreams, the facing of fears, in quiet whispered words to my soul, and in periods of silence, in joy and pain, in relationships, in family, in the failure of plans and the making of plans b,c,d,e,and f, in dreams, in gentle hugs, in tearful goodbyes, in lonely hours, in crowded city streets, in classrooms, or simply sitting beside the Guadalquivir. i am, and forever will be, so thankful for each of these times and the memories they bring.
there has been a lot of loss this year. yet He has remained beside me. a verse that has really stood out to me comes from Matthew 5:3-5. it says, " 3"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." these words fit into my life perfectly recently. i have been the poor in spirit, the one mourning, and the one who gets walked all over. yet through all of it, i have not forgotten the fact that i am so blessed! i have so many reasons to give thanks!
in being stripped of the things that i hold dearest, i have learned to really rely on Him. its not been easy, but it is worth it. God had to break me to the point where i had no one to trust but Him. i had to be willing to give Him everything. there were times i fought, because i couldn't see what He would know about such things as love and being strong for those that depend on me, but in reality i was selling Him short. He's the author and creator of love, and He is stronger than i could ever hope to be. i just need to lose my stubborn pride and learn to give things over to Him. i had to be willing to let go of the little that i had in order to gain something even more beautiful. i had to learn to entrust everything to Him.
i am stubborn. its genetic for whiteds...and letting go was not easy. the song sweetly broken perfectly describes what i had to go through. He had to gently bring me to my knees, and i was at a complete loss, but willing to wholly surrender to His promise.
i often wonder at His timing. i can look back on my life and see how He has orchestrated events in my life to bring me to today. its incredible to even think about! i struggle at times with the things He has revealed to me, but only to me, when other people are involved...people who have to find their own way to these revelations. waiting is not easy, but more and more i am learning to treasure these periods of waiting, especially in light of the wonderful things to come! how much sweeter the reward when it was not an easy win.
going into these next few months, there is some fear. surgery, tumors, huge moves, lack of money, and uncertainty loom in front of me. it would be easy to say that i am confident things will all turn out peachy, but that would not be truthful. i'm taking it one day at a time, trusting God to show me the next step, and following where He leads...the next step for tomorrow is to contact the surgeon who will be removing the tumor from my collar bone...as terrified as i am i have a peace, a crazy peace, and i know that it will be okay.

from a different perspective

i have been meaning to sit down and write this post for awhile now, but over the past month God has given me so many more things to add to this that i figured i would wait until after Semana Santa. So here it is por fin!


my prayer since the beginning of the trip has been that God would open my eyes and show me the Spain that He sees, that He would break my heart for the things that break His. An awesome thing about our God is that He loves to answer prayers. He has shown me exactly what i asked. It has stretched me beyond my limits at times and sent me running to Him with questions on more than one occasion, but it has also brought about growth in my life.


one of the first experiences of Him showing Spain from His eyes is just living in this culture. it is very closed off. people do not relate on personal levels until after knowing each other for years, and even then it is unlikely that you will ever talk about anything more than sports or gossip. personal problems are pushed aside, appearance is what matters most.
appearance is everything to the people of Spain. Cultural catholicism is the norm. dress defines who you are to those around you. it was hard and still is hard to get used to the culture of "if you´ve got it, flaunt it". girls walk around on the street in skin tight everything, they are pressured to be thin, they wear make-up from the time they are in grade school. they lost their innocence early on and struggle with effects of it constantly.


kids easily fall into the botellon culture. they hang out in groups and get drunk just to fit in. those that chose to stand apart are looked at as abnormal. there is such a small population of christian youth, and those that are constantly fight to remain and not give in to the cultural norms.
working in the ropero, a ministry that gives out clothes to those that need them, i have had to face every type of poverty. they ar ehungry and thristy and most believe that material things will save them. women come every week looking for clothes and food for their children. the children are dirty and in need of love. my heart breaks to see their tears, but overflows with joy to see the beautiful smiles after they have been helped. the women that work with me at Ropero are constantly joking and keeping the mood light, they don´t mind the dirt or smell of unwashed bodies, they just share the love of Christ with them in any way possible. this has challenged me more than anything. it is hard to not grow tired and discouraged with all the need that surrounds me, but i know that there is hope for these people!


the hardest thing that hit me, was seeing a family of six living out of a van. the van is blue and always parked by the river, we always joked that bad things went on in that van since it looks like the typical hippie hang out. i got a huge shock while walking to church one sunday and seeing a son helping his father was his hands and face from a bottle of water while the son´s wife and kids sat and watched the whole process waiting on their turn. this is the picture of Spain that best fits for me.


there are people that are hungry and dirty and waiting on their turn to be clean. God is like the son, in a way, He patiently helps us wash the dirt and sin off of our bodies and then turns to the next one of us and begins the process again. the people of Spain are hurting. the economy is bad, many are hungry and homeless and need the hope that He offers. it won´t be easy, but He is a God who likes to break down walls to get us to the place where we need to be.


He is the God of this city and the God of this country. He will bring these people to His side and love them with the everlasting love of a father. there is so much work to be done here! at times it is overwhelming, but i continue to trust His guidance. He has opened doors for me to get to know and get involved with various ministries here and to see the things that He is doing. He has put people in here that have wonderful hearts that are reaching many. I know that He will see this through to the end, He that began a good work will be faithful to complete it!

now for some pictures....

i realize that i haven't put up any cool pictures on my blog since arriving in spain. most of this is due to the fact that my computer decided to not work while i am over here, so cody in his generousness has let me use his. therefore, today i will upload pictures so that you all can see this beautiful place that i am living in!

past, present, and future...and the in between

so i have been thinking a lot lately about all the times of our lives. mostly in relation to the fact that i am giving my testimony tonight at encuentro, our bible study here in spain. so here are some thoughts on each of these...

the past

although hard to think about and impossible to relive, the past has a very important place in my life. it shows me how far i have come. it enables me to look back and see the movement of God in my life. i can look back at all the hard times and see the good that has come from them. there are no regrets, simply lessons learned. it has helped shape me into who i am today.

the present

i feel that this is the best place to be. living my life for God day by day. listening for His direction on where to go from here. my present, at this moment, is getting to live my dream here in spain. it is learning how to give up myself at every second and live my life to serve others. it is learning how to be a girlfriend to cody and a friend to those on the trip with me. it is learning that earthly plans don´t always go the right way and leaning on God when i miss family and friends.

the future

i think the future is the least scarey of all of these. i am excited for it! doors are opening to serve, and i look forward to fulfilling my calling in this life! last but not least, in these difficult times especially, i look forward to heaven! it won´t be long until i get to see the lover of my soul face to face! it won´t be long until i can walk beside Him and stand in awe and thank Him for all that He has done for me. i don´t think that there is anything in this world that can compare to the hope that lies in Jesus!

that is the best part about our God. He has been through the past, present, future, and all the times before and in between and after. He has such a plan for each and every one of us! there is nothing else that i need to know to be happy!

beautiful people...

I have failed. Updating a blog once a week should not be this difficult, but still I cannot seem to find the time. Life in Spain, although tranquilo is very full. It seems like everyday I have something new to do. But enough of that, on to the important part...

I started my service learning last week. It was frustrating at first because I didn´t end up being placed where they said I would be. Apparently there is a shortage of Spanish children who want to learn English...go figure, so instead, I was placed with a ministry called Rompera. The basic idea behind it is that people donate clothing to the mission and then women can come and get clothes and blankets for their family as they need them. After discovering the size of Rompero (not much bigger than a walk-in closet) and discovering that I might just be the lankiest person working and feeling very in the way, we set out working. It was difficult at first to get the hang of this fast-paced environment, but slowly but surely I caught myself smiling as I listened to the women working alongside me joking and talking about their families and then turning their attention to the 3 americans in the room. They genuinely cared about us.

One of the older women working there,I wish I could tell you her name, but I never caught it, I only know that she is originally from Granada and have taken to calling her Gran, really made a huge impact in such a short time. The Bible talks about doing everything with joy as unto the Father. This women fit that perfectly. By worldly standards she has no value. She is not attractive. She is short, with gray hair, brown eyes, slightly overweight, she had lipstick smeared well above her natural lip, and clothes that had definitely seen much better days. Yet to me, she was one of the most beautiful people I had ever met. Her eyes shown brilliantly in the dim lighting. She had a smile on her face and would whistle as she hurried back and forth picking out clothes for the women. She lived her life to serve! I wish that you all could have seen her face as she talked about Jesus! She was so in love with Him that it was not even funny! It did my heart well to see her example. Everything about her came alive at the metion of her dear Savior!

It was challenging to me. It made me wonder if people could truly see the love of Christ displayed in my life like this. Earthly beauty valued little in light of the beauty that surrounded this woman.I have been thinking a lot about this. How do we as christians come across to the world? Do they see the beauty of Christ in us? In every moment are we a good reflection of Him? In a country like Spain, where less than 2 percent of the people are christians, we need to be that light to them!

I´m still thinking a lot of this through, and am nowhere close to an answer. I am also trying to process thoughts from my visit to Africa...I guess this all goes to say, there is more to come! God is Good and I continue to witness His wonders everyday that I spend here. I am truly blessed!!!

HoT fIsH...

This past week was probably one of the most interesting weeks of my life. I was accident prone, hit the language barrier head on, and was curious to learn the life of a Spaniard.
The week began with one of the best church services I have ever been in. I walked away so encouraged and just full of joy! The worship lasted an hour and a half, with a list of songs projected on the wall. Various people in the congregation would shout out a number and the entire church would begin to sing. During this time as well, people would stand and share what God has been doing in their lives. It was neat to reflect alongside these people about all the good that God has done.
From there we went on a scavenger hunt all around the city of Sevilla. We walked altogether about 15 miles that day. It took hours, but they were hours full of laughter and joy and me tripping over everything! Which in turn brings me to the fact that I sprained my ankle, but it will be okay! I have faith in that!
Wednesday also brought around some hilarious injuries when I gave myself a black chin with the belt buckle on my coat. I laughed for awhile at myself. When I told my host mom what I had done, she laughed so hard that she had to sit down...part of that also could have been the fact that i had to reinact certain parts of the story since I don´t know all of the words in Spanish! But, esta bien!
Wednesday also brought with it a late dinner after Encuentro. It consisted of a tortilla sandwhich with veggies, a banana, and water. This was followed with left over fish and peas from lunch since I mistakenly told my Senora that I would eat them then. I went to bed with quite the stomach ache!
God definitely showed me once again that He has an amazing sense of humor! All of my mishaps have kept me on my toes, but I am doing well and adjusting at a pretty good pace.
Three things I have learned from the past week are this:
1. look down when walking instead of up, this prevents sprained ankles
2. try and avoid emergency rooms in Spain at all costs
3. acting is not my strongest point

Today begins flamenco lessons at the school. I am excited to see how this goes. It might be hard at first with a bum ankle put I take comfort in the fact that Cody hasn´t broken anything and dances worse than I do!haha I am sure that there will be some great stories to come from this class!

Bienvenidos a Sevilla!

Its hard not to see the beauty that God has given as I walk down the streets of this amazing city. It has a past filled with fighting over beliefs, yet it is hard to not notice the influence of the church. The architecture is beautiful! The buildings are incredible!

When i stepped off the plane at the airport in Sevilla, after a long lay over in Madrid and an 8 or so hour flight over the ocean, I could already feel it coming. I could feel myself falling in love. My third grade dreams were finally realized! It was a crazy feeling!

God has definitely put a special place in my heart for Spain. I can´t wait to get started with classes, especially the service learning. Good things are still to come!

goodbyes and french fries...

So let's just be completely honest for a second, I hate saying goodbye. Even though this goodbye isn't forever, I know that in the very near future I will have to say those forever kind of goodbyes. I guess it is a positive thing that I haven't had to say many goodbyes. Death tends to make you say it forcefully, and there has been way too many of those farewells in this past year. I feel like there should be some way to soften goodbyes...like goodbyes with an accompanying comfort food. For example, you could tell someone goodbye and then give them some fries. What hurt can a good batch of fries not make better? Not many that I can think of...

All of this to say, if I don't get to see you before I take off, it is not because I don't want to see you,or I don't love you, I am just trying to keep the goodbyes to a minimum. Even though I am super excited and will have a good time, I will miss you all! Four months is 2.3333 years in dog years, but since the last time I checked I have not grown a tail and only slobber when I'm in a very deep sleep. So four months will be simply that, four months.

I am so excited for these four months! I know that they will be incredible and life-changing! I am looking forward to everything that I am going to learn, and more than that I am just excited to be in this culture! I got an email a few days ago from the director of the program that I am going through with the profiles of everyone going on the trip. I think that it made me that much more eager to go!

I still have a to-do list with endless lines of things I need to do before I go, but in five whole days I will be in Spain!!!! Something I have only waited years for! I can't even imagine myself there, it seems so unreal! God has been so good to get me to this point! After surviving completing a j-term class in 5 days, extreme sledding with an emergency room visit for Brandi's face, a few sleepless nights, and lots of stress, He has opened all of the doors I need so that I am ready to go! How amazing is it that the God of the universe is concerned with me making it to Spain? I think it shows that He has great things planned for this trip!

So here's to one last blog entry before the craziness of packing takes control of my life! Spain, HERE I COME!!!!